I'm Mad

Weird things are happening in public education. Taking a tour of a grammar school recently, I was shown a proud new addition: a room full of Stairmasters and stationary bicycles. "We couldn't get the money for a gym, but this WONDERFUL equipment was donated by Councilman Bla-Bla ," the PTA mom said, beaming. "We love it."

I filled with such loathing for this woman and her school I decided I could never send my child there: not because her school had been the recipient of this bizarre gift, but because she was doing this Orwellian thing of pretending it was awesome.

My children are not middle-aged housewives from the 80s. They don't need to tone their booties or work off that last stubborn five pounds round their midsections. They need a fucking gym where they can hit each other in the face with balls.

"I hate Mondays," my son said. "No choice time, and I have yoga."
"What's wrong with yoga?" I said.
"It's so dumb, the teacher is like, Duh, do this thing and like Duuuh, do this thing, and then we all have to go, like, Duuuuuuuuuh."

I love yoga, personally, and my daughter likes it fine, too, but I think my son is right: yoga for kids is a dumb idea. My son does not need to find his third eye or his still center, he needs to run around like a maniac until he gets something approximating tired. He's not 43, he's 9, and every night he scurries up the back of the sofa, then down it and across the room to the other sofa and up, like a zoo monkey, for at least an hour. He stands on the knob of the French door and swings back and forth, back and forth. If he had suckers on his hands and feet, he would run across the ceiling. (Oh, calm down, he's never banged his fingers or anything. Knock wood). I don't even use my sofas; they're both pressed up against the wall to make space for this exercise, because the poor kid needs to do something to release the ridiculous amount of energy he has and this is all I can offer him.

I'm so angry at the DOE, continually taking money away from basic things kids actually need while faddish grants pop up to inappropriately fill the gaps. I'm mad at charter schools: Oh, that's a great idea, putting our children's future in the hands of corporations, only the most unethical form of human social organization ever to have existed. I'm mad that my kids, who can run or swim or ski for six hours straight and just be moderately relaxed, get twenty minutes of recess per day if they're lucky. I'm mad that what used to be our gym is being used as a classroom because three schools are crowded into one building, and that when I pointed  this out to a DOE representative at a meeting, she said, "Your school is only at 106% capacity; I don't consider that overcrowded." (Who IS this woman??? The Devil?). And I'm mad that if I want my kids to be exposed to physical activity I have to drag my ass out of the house at 8:00 on Saturday morning to go do something none of us is that interested in, (soccer: yeah, I said it), because the school system isn't doing what it should be doing during the week.

The Mayor claims he wants New York to be a good place for families but that's bullshit. He just wants people in their twenties to come here, make a lot of money, spend it all on the service economy, then move the hell to Maplewood when they get pregnant. I'm from Soho back in the day, Motherfucker. I'm staying.