The truth about boys

Raising a boy is like trying to socialize a raccoon. He'll bite you for no reason or shit in his pants after having been toilet trained for six years, just to show you. It's his way of saying, “Yeah, that's my poop, human slave master bitch, deal with it.” You know that Tiger Mom? She's a little punk; an amateur-- she has girls! When you're raising a boy you're not trying to get him to be a Rhodes Scholar or the next Jascha Heifetz, you're just hoping he stops eating his earwax before he goes to college. You are trying to get him to not light matches in the basement. You're explaining to him about “juvie.” You're putting your last ounce of strength every day into asking him to stop hitting his grandfather in the balls, hoarding food in his bunk bed, trying to murder his little sister by destroying her will to live and continually sticking his finger in people's faces and yelling, “BANG!”

Girls used to be the ones who were repressed and broken from a young age, while little boys lives were made up of physical exertion punctuated by regular whippings, which suited them pretty well. Now we're so busy trying to civilize our under-exercised boys that the occasional hissy fit or display of public masturbation a girl can dish out seems pretty tolerable and we just leave the females alone. Today's liberal minded parent is so tired that she's perfectly fine with her six-year-old daughter going into the bedroom with her best friend, shutting the door, and having sex with her. You think I'm joking?

Corollary: Boyz II Men

Because our little urban and suburban boys are thoroughly beaten down and repressed from an early age they learn to channel their innate limbic drives into things like porn, video games, spectator sports, fatty foods and esoteric hobbies. For men mid-life crisis these days is just more of the same: more porn, more video games, more watching golf and hand-caning antique chairs.

Girls, on the other hand, having been given a free pass throughout childhood, hit middle age and really don't know what to do with themselves. They divorce their spouses and want to have sex with youngings, just like men used to do.